When I call myself, I know that I'm okay
by mmok
Summary: Re-telling of canon with no major changes. Ken knows it exists in a not physical way. Knows that came the morning, evening, end, beginning, it would always be there with him in only a way a shadow could and even then- shadows tend to disappear in darkness but not it. It's always there. All the way to the end of this lonely road, where only his feet could fit in.


There is a voice inside of me.

It's there. Always there.

**It's not like there is a choice.**

It's empty, blank and _inhumane_, but it exists and it's right here.

Right here inside of me, invisible but there. Always.

**Always.**

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Ken sees his mother.

She's working, sweating from her forehead with a concentrated expression.

Her eyes are black and shining like a polished opal, the insides slightly tinkling with tiredness.

_So strong -_he would think- so_ beautiful._

**It's falling.**

Ken ignores the mutter inside his mind, focusing on putting a thin blanket on the slouched shoulders of his beloved mother.

She's tired. She needs help, but he can't do anything.

He's too small and too insignificant.

All he could provide for now, was the warmth of a family, and the care of a son.

**It's falling.**

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.

.

Ken sees his aunt.

She's beautiful like her mother, but more graceful. Less tired and has a lax aura around her. The light locks of hair bounced with the air as her slender fingers counted the money that _his _mother worked so hard to earn. There's a slight leer, and Ken returns home without a single glance from his aunt.

"Why does mum give money to auntie when she's bad?" He asks with the innocence of a child, head tilted sidewards and nonjudgmental eyes focused on mother. He's glad to see her get away from her work for a few seconds, her attention focusing to him and only him.

"Because she's mummy's sister." A tired voice laced with fondness. An unimaginable amount of love that Ken was sure that his aunt wouldn't be able to give back. It pains his heart to see mother like that. It stabs his chest and makes his eyes itch.

"But she hurts mummy, and hurting others is bad." He's pulled into an embrace. Mother's scent is safe and nice, it's tender and fluffy like hugging a warm pillow.

"Kind people find happiness in the act of being hurt instead of hurting, Ken." The words were so beautiful, so right and yet the hold tightened. Squeezed a drop of hesitation out of his mother. Ken was too young to notice it back then. Too naïve to have ignored that particular action.

.

.

.

**Like a rain of black stars.**

Ken sees the sky.

Dressed in black, the day was gray. His eyes swollen and painful, Ken wants to wake up from this bad dream.

Mother was strong, invincible. Not even in the coldest nights did he see her with more clothes than usual, not even the hottest summers did Ken see the carving for a delectable ice-cream.

And yet mother went away on a nice day of spring. Birds were chirping when he came home he remembered. That day he had done well in a test, so he was ecstatic to show mother.

A white lily clutched in his tiny helpless hand, Ken let it fall and gently touch the surface of a cold gray tomb. Fingers tracing the letters, Ken thought he saw his mother for a second. Smiling and cheerful for once, before crumbling down like pieces of beautiful gems. Ken thought he saw black stars, sprinkling down with the remnants of his dearest person.

**It fell apart.**

Like a rain of black stars.

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.

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Ken meets a boy.

Light hair, sharp features and a cheerful behavior. That boy with a lax nature and light hair like his auntie.

**A fool with a heart.**

That boy who was as pretty as his auntie who took him in and gave him a place to stay.

**A heart full of scopes.**

His auntie betrayed him.

**Dancing in the middle of a white forest...**

Betrayed his mother, and left him alone.

**Singing a requiem for the night.**

But that boy saved him. That boy who looked so much like his aunt, but was never like her. That boy named Hideyoshi or more fondly Hide, saved Ken from the pits of loneliness.

**With the sun right beside.**

Ken tells Hide about his beloved mother. About his aunt, and about Ken. Hide listens and smiles, then offers him his lunch and Ken feels very warm. Like hugging a warm fluffy pillow, it makes Ken smile and remember his mother when she wasn't tired.

The voice is singing for some reason.

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"If you were a ghoul, would you eat Yoshikawa in Class 2?" Ken almost spit out his hamburger when he heard the question.

"Wha... I d-don't like her that much."

**Ken is lying.**

"Hm. I dunno, man. I mean, I eat things that I like you know. Like popcorn and hotdogs. So I was thinking if it was the same for the ghouls."

**He is surprisingly sharp.**

Ken didn't need the voice to tell him that. He knew that better than anyone. Hide deserved a lot more credit than what people were willing to give him.

"Well, I like reading and you don't see me wolfing down mountains of books do you?" The other didn't seem very convinced, the blond has always been quite stubborn after all.

Hide is his friend and the only one who matters, but definitely not someone who he would like to have on the opposite side. Taking his chin with tan fingers, Hide's brows knitted hard before relaxing, a casual smile taking over those cheerful features.

"Well... I guess you're right." The evening was calm, no shadow of people if not for them two. Absentmindedly, Ken listens to the soft humming of the voice, a light tune unknown to him. While staring up to the stars and enjoying the warm presence of his friend, Ken wondered for the tiniest of the seconds.

The voice stopped, and started chuckling.

If he was a ghoul, would he eat Hide? - he thought.

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Ken sees the velvet hair in the midst of the crowding streets. The pale lips settle in a tender smile when she sees him, a book held in hand. The dress she's wearing complements terrifically her ivory skin, and Ken is mystified.

**Kkkk. Kkkk.**

He feels the attraction like two magnets with opposite poles. He loses himself in those eyes. Those beautiful lavender orbs that he could wander around for hours non stop.

This isn't the first time that Ken experiences this, but it is the first time that Ken feels such a strong reaction.

**Kkkk. Kkkk.**

It was like finding a missing piece, seeing the end of the world. Like their meeting had been foreseen by a hidden force, it was vain like that.

Ken does ponder, if this time was it.

**Kkkk. Kkkk.**

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"Me too." A warmth pressed against him. "I have been interested in Kaneki." Ken feels his heart bursting against his ribs, uncaged happiness flying freely in his stomach.

**Kkkk. Ken is too nice.**

But then there's this wrong thing. A metallic smell of red, a sudden shocking twist to his bliss- not that it was a first. Ken feels hurt at first.

Then pain.

Betrayed by someone who he had believed to be the one, the one to fill in the gap that his mother left, the wound that not even Hide managed to heal completely. Then it came upon him the scorching pain by the flesh-_ his _flesh being torn apart like a piece of paper. With great difficulty he pushed Rize away and gently clutched his shoulder.

**Ken is hurt. Ken is hurt.**

He is hurt.

**Very.**

In more places than one.

**Right.**

The moment he laid upon those deadly crimson orbs coated with ebony, Ken fled away.

A ghoul. Rize is a ghoul.

She had been right after all. She was interested in him in the same way a lion was interested in a bunny.

A big sting in his paining shoulder, a bit of moist in his eyes. Ken runs away scared, hurt and betrayed. Embarrassed, angry and oh so incredibly sad.

**Run Ken. Run. Run away from Rize.**

Strong emotions cause him to trip over his feet, a swift shift on his bag and what comes tumbling down is a book with a simple khaki cover. 'The Black Goat's Egg'. The book that linked them together. His so called gateway to happiness. A large splotch of crimson stains the bold letters, Ken's eyes steadily growing wider and agitating with primal fear.

**Run Ken. Run. Run away from Rize-**

"Help me..." Ken addresses to the voice for the first time, asking for aid to a non physical object. He was desperate. Carving for survival. In the place of the hurting betrayal, all that was left was the bumping fear of losing one's life. A surprising tenacity that he didn't think he possessed. The sight of the monster closing in with fast dreading steps, the sight of the glowing orbs of lust and hunger, the sight of that ruthless smile and beautiful four limbs, was the last one that Ken saw before stumbling into blank darkness. Before everything fell apart- Ken decided to accept the sight as something strangely wonderful.

**-or not.**

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.

.

**This life**

_It's warm_

**which had been the tomb of his virtue**

_Who's talking_

**and of his honor**

_Why can't I open my eyes_

**is but a walking shadow**

_Everything is dark here_

**a poor player**

_Player_

**that struts and frets his hour upon stage**

_Who's there_

**and then is heard no more**

_It's drawing closer_

**it is a tale told by an idiot**

_Who is it_

**full of sound and fury**

_It's just behind me_

**signifying nothing.**

_It's warm_

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Ken is in the brink of insanity.

A thin layer coating the monster inside of him, blood desiring for some nutrition. Even the tiniest little bits would be good, but Ken can't possibly allow that. His other eye lighting and dying off in the shadows of the night, every spore of him unusually clear to his surroundings.

He had turned into a ghoul. The core enemy of the humanity, a monster with an insatiable hunger.

It was impossible after all.

He was born human and lived as a human until not too long ago. Telling him to abandon it just because of basic needs isn't enough to just let go.

Starvation is ghoul's worst enemy- that's what that Touka girl said. After all that had been going along, discovering that he has been attending regularly a café managed by ghouls had been the most merciful surprise so far. But he isn't stupid enough to brush aside those warnings. Words from a veteran were far more worthy than those who taught you from theories only.

Ken's almost insane because he recognizes it as a fact. Just by smelling that sweet scent of delicate chair is enough to make his hairs stand up in euphoria. He recognizes his hunger, and Ken's almost insane because he can do nothing about it. By seconds his hunger rises in an almost vertical line, pushing him to just take a little bite, the smallest of them.

It wouldn't kill anyone. But it would kill him. The Kaneki Ken that has been living relatively safe until now. The Kaneki Ken that had been human until _now_.

Ken is almost insane, because abandoning himself didn't sound so half-bad.

.

.

.

Ken smells a delectable sweet.

It smells like soft bread coated with strawberry jam. Sweet with a delightful soft texture. Like cotton candy and pink skies, it's exquisitely alluring, taking away his control in a go. It's near and its scent growing, turning more and more ambrosial by the second. Like his favorite hamburger and favorable spaghetti, its taste could send him to heaven, let him a glimpse of the peaceful island in the middle of a calm and bright ocean.

**Ken.**

Like the flavor of crunching chips during a movie afternoon, keeping his eyes wide open on the screen and legs unknowingly tapping with a quick rhythm.

**Ken.**

Like being surrounded by fairies, it's strange and special, a fantasy like scenery that scientists would kill for. But it's for him, and for him alone.

**Ken.**

_Not now._

Ken laughs because it's for him, _meant _for him and he's happy, jumping and searching for the thing that would undoubtedly save him. He's an half, might as well be an exception for the ghouls' golden rule. Nose crinkling with anticipation he runs, taking turns that he shouldn't be able to, grinning to an extent that would normally send jolts of wariness down his spine.

**Ke-**

_It's near!_

He finds it in the middle of a lighted up night, in a place that smelled like banquets and reality came crashing down in a painful manner. His mouth trembling and shaking with disbelief, all of the earlier thoughts disappearing in a puff of smoke, magic ending and returning to the cold night.

**Ken.**

Ken almost screams out, pulls his hair and scratches his eyes. They are trembling very badly, body collapsing and what it smelled like his favorite burger and the burger that mother would always make for him, was no less of a broken pool of dirty crimson, an immobile and very human form just on it and a thin monster feasting on its meal.

Ken feels something.

A spark of fire before disappearing.

A very small sound of glass splitting beside his chest, a sudden emptiness that manages to quench his uncontrollable hunger for the time being.

**Ken.**

Ken feels something die inside of him.

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.

.

**He's taking Hide away.**

Ken sees Hide.

Unconscious and being beaten, face peaceful but crisped and dirty. He sees it all with twitching fingers and clenching hands, but doesn't move from his spot because he's scared, afraid of what he might become.

**Hide is being hurt.**

Nishiki is taking Hide away from him, his wonderful friend, brother, family and everything.

He finds pleasure in it. Ken just knows it.

Nishiki asks him questions, about when would he eat Hide, about when would he take Hide away.

**Hide isn't food.**

_No!_

He laughs and hurts Hide some more, this time blood oozing out and his friend's face is peaceful but not a good kind of peaceful. Ken feels conflicted. Stuck between two completely different worlds, forcing him to choose one. If he chooses one then Hide dies. If he chooses another then Kaneki Ken dies. The choice would have been obvious for a strong hero of big heart, someone so foolishly selfless. Like his mother.

**Being hurt, is better than hurting others.**

But Ken is neither of them, he's an ugly nobody who's shamed of his own ugliness.

**Hide is being taken away. Ken must help him.**

_I can't!_

Ken tries to stop Nishiki, but it's fruitless and it only makes him through an awful amount of pain. But still.

Hide can live a few seconds longer while he's being beaten up, so Ken must endure it.

**Ken must help Hide.**

When his body is struck again and again by the mystical sharp blue tail, Ken can only think of excuses of how to cover his betrayal. It doesn't save Hide, but allows him to live a little longer, a little longer beside him.

It hurts but it's okay- is what he wanted to think.

**Ken is weak.**

He shouldn't have tried to live a regular life. Ken knows that, knows it very well but there was this dim ray of hope in the despair that he was thrown into. It was a wishful thought at most.

He was no exception.

He couldn't do anything. And now Hide was being hurt, because he got involved with him when he shouldn't. Because Ken sought Hide's warmth, when he wasn't strong enough to not let it go away.

It hurts- he thinks.

But it's okay.

**Not.**

And yet Ken carves more for that warmth, that kindness and love. He's selfish when he shouldn't be, and knows better than anybody else, that he wants to wake up to Hide's loud voice more than everything.

.

.

.

Ken accepts the job as a waiter and is mostly satisfied.

He will learn how to be, like a toddler being taught of how to walk. He meets other people and they are ghouls, but they're like human too and Ken catches glimpse of a very dangerous thing.

Ghouls were so much like humans that it was frightening. If anything Ken would say that they were pretending, but he saw that indisputable unconditional love in Ryouko's eyes and it may have made him a little bit jealous. Ghouls and humans are so alike, both imperfect but striving to live and Ken realizes with mournful guilt and sad eyes-

-That he's the only one who sees that.

Like being told of the world's secret but unable to prove it to others. Like the naughty sheep who lied too much, and no one believed him when he finally said the truth. Then everyone ends up dead by the hands of the wolf, all because the sheep told too many lies, all because the others didn't believe in him for one more time.

Ken can almost picture it.

The frightening scenario where a human and a ghoul stood, side by side and very alike.

One was drenched in blood while the other was wearing a clean suit, one with dark eyes and the other with a slightly more glinting gaze.

The ghoul walked side by side with the man, purpose unknown.

The man marched forward with the ghoul, purpose unknown.

And who knows,-not him, not ghouls, not humans- maybe ghouls were just humans who knew too much. The knowledge of devouring something so alike them breaking and toughening their wills. With enough time, what was once a disgusting and regretful knowledge turns into a must, a rule that could not be broken, a need for survival and a chance for living.

Humans and ghouls -Ken believes now- live in the same world divided by two overlapping layers.

And he who stood just between them, walking aimlessly down the road without a definite place to belong, is the only one who can see that hidden singularity.

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Ken is conflicted.

The helplessness when faced with a choice, knowing that no matter what he did would not be able to change anything. That time with Hide, he had a choice. He chose and managed to come out living. Hide battled and unconscious in his arms but still breathing and that was _fine. _Ken remembers with slight fondness, the number of times he apologized to dead -not- ears. This time however, he doesn't have the same privilege.

No matter what he chooses, it wouldn't be the right choice.

And with him being the only one to be able to see that difference but familiarity between these two living beings, maybe that was the reason why Ryouko was killed and Hinami became an orphan. Maybe because he was the only one who saw that, and it hurts and crawls his skin.

Down the path that Ken had to follow, all he could see was ahead, an unmountable destination surrounded and plagued by the black of the unknown. Behind him lays a time he can't return to, like an invisible barrier blocking his way, pushing him forward. The pathway is thin and monotone, a perfect feet for his feet to walk on.

In a way that Ken could not grasp yet, he feels it in his veins and from the stabbing of his chest the loneliness that was so crowded and yet so undeniably empty.

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Ken heads his way down the pouring streets.

Hands on his shoulder and blood washed away by the rain of that night, Ken feels somewhat accomplished and guilty. He stopped that ghoul investigator from reaching Touka, managed to quench (barely) his hunger, did something _right _for once... but he hurt Mr. Yomo and that's unforgivable. When his gaze met with those sad and slight pleading eyes, all he could feel was the flesh that he was cutting like thin glass, the organs alive against his kagune, and it's a traumatic experience. Like betraying Hide for real, like failing his mother's expectations and seeing those comprehending but bitter eyes. Like seeing how his aunt would react each single time he came closer, treating him like a plague, something that should not be there.

**Ken is hurt.**

_I'm okay._

**Must heal.**

_I'm okay._

**Where are you going Ken?**

_To Touka and Hinami._

**But you're hurt.**

_I'm okay._

**And Mr Yomo?**

_He stays behind. Must find Touka and Hinami. Make sure they're safe._

**Why do you always try so hard Ken?**

_I'm not._

**Liar.**

_Why are you talking to me?_

**'Cause Ken is a liar.**

_I'm not._

**See. Liar.**

_Am not._

**Ken.**

_Hm?_

But Ken hears no more and reaches a dark narrow space. It looks like a sewer but it's considerably destroyed. As if it was served as a battlefield for two entire armies, but Ken knows better.

He steps inside the darkness with careful steps, there's the sweet metallic scent and an ominous air. It looks peaceful but it's far from it.

Like the aftermath of a war, it's hauntingly calm.

**Did you know Ken?**

When his head turns forward and away from the clear water, Ken's eyes widen and his mouth parts in shock.

**Did you know?**

When asked why does Ken enjoy reading so much, he always answers truthfully and says that it's because it's surreal. A glimpse to another possible world out there, an obstacle for his mind to imagine. The reactions vary in degree and it goes from laughing to few admiration. The point was, no matter what circumstances he always had an answer.

But this. This was different -like everything happening around him recently. It's different and surreal, incomprehensible and yet coated with emotions.

Ken sees those victorious orbs with shadows lurking, _feels _the cold revenge and concealed satisfaction. It's incomprehensible and somehow fascinating, because for the love of his life Ken could not comprehend how. How the actual hell he came to consider the blood drenched ghoul with a far too human heart (or maybe they really were humans), with eyes as cold as dripping icicles, and a body-dead body right beside, something akin to bewitching or even _right _for that matter.

With that flickering wing lightening up and dying off constantly in a dance of red and orange and purple, Ken is like a moth attracted to the flame. Reaching his hands out for danger, accepting those wild and dangerous sparks with open arms. When Ken comes closer, Touka spots him and holds him in a dead locked gaze with those ice like orbs. Moments pass and he holds his breath, then she blinks and turns away, unconsciously freeing him from unseen chains binding him down on his place.

Then. He follows after.

**That butterflies are attracted to blood.**

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.

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Ken sees those empty eyes chasing him, the crowd cheering for more and he wonders why doesn't he feel mad about it.

Being betrayed by a ghoul and thrown into the carnage that were the gourmets, Ken surprisingly doesn't feel an ounce of fury against the lavender haired ghoul. Like he wanted to but couldn't, because he deserves it and he knows it.

It was almost laughable.

Him, who carved for some normality and human contact is being chased down by a human. Said human is holding a huge weapon ready to chop him down into tiny little pieces without hesitation, is prepared to please his 'master' when she clearly didn't show any sort of concern towards him. Ken sees the madness in that human, keeping him alive but killing him at the same time.

**That man is scary.**

Ken wonders if someone above hates him. It's a foolish and egocentric thought, so he brushes it aside right after.

As if. Even if God really did exist, there was a null or very close to it possibility for God to be focused on only him. Ken wants to believe that he was just a simple unfortunate person, someone who had bad luck with times and places and someone who was just not meant for this. But even he knows better than anyone else, that since the beginning he was alone. Since before all of this disaster and still is right now.

It's wishful of him to trust somebody completely.

Hide has been the closest person to come to that since for a long time, but now that ever growing trust stops in its ascension. Remains on stand-by and Ken suspects for it will stay frozen like that for an undetermined long time. Sometimes he considers in telling, but the last time that a ghoul got involved with both of them had not ended well at all, so Ken can't take the risk again.

But still... only sometimes.

**Ken! Watch out!**

He snaps out of his thoughts in a flash and manages to narrowly dodge the heavy blow.

It bended in with the floor, he hears shouts of disappointment coming from the sidelines and dreams about another life where he wouldn't be an half-ghoul. Somehow, being a ghoul didn't sound as bad as he thought it to be at first, they were quite similar to humans like he had concluded earlier on.

But an half-ghoul and a former human at the brink of his humanity because of his goddamn hunger and need for survival, it's merciless at the very least.

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.

.

Ken sees that bizarre scarless face, the remnants of former sanity just by the tips of that strong jaw, and what he thought to be a shield to protect the chaotic inside, hiding and lurking around that man's form.

**He seems to be strong.**

_No kidding._

When he thought to have finally found some peace in the midst of all this mess, right after being saved and have his breath taken away (again) by that beautiful and flickering wing, when butterflies began to take a whole different meaning, when Hide and him had finally begun to steadily going back to normal again and when _living _didn't sound like a curse anymore, he is proven wrong once again. All he wanted to do was to shout out the pent up frustration, the _enough! _that has been crawling on his skin since the restaurant incident, the unseen confidence that just begged to scream out.

Ken isn't stupid. Ken is human and ghoul and has his own set of limits.

**Ken don't be sad.**

_I'm okay._

He doesn't do so because he doesn't have the strength to face the consequences. He doesn't do so because he lacks the bloodlust and desire for a change because every single _fucking _time something changes, a tragedy comes knocking right at his doorstep. And he's stabbed through his body, lifted up to the air like a prize and taken away from his workplace-home-temple-whatever.

It comes upon Ken that maybe God really did pay attention to him and purposefully laid down these obstacles for him. Not as any sort of test, or mission but as a form of entertainment. Because if someone writes a book about his life and reads it, then he or she may actually have a laugh. Intrigued and at the same time pitying the main character with a swift shake of head and sympathizing smile, Ken knows for sure that God already had its fair share of amusement when it first set eyes on its 'experience'.

At least Ken thinks, even if he is wrong he likes to think, then at least he, himself views his life that way.

He thinks.

**Ken don't be sad.**

_I'm okay._

And he's okay with it.

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.

.

Ken wants to die. It's hurting and so painful in so many ways.

Each time Yamori took something out of him, each single time something just felt missing from his body, Ken felt coming closer to _nothingness_. But it does not end and his body grows again, heals everything but not Ken himself. Like tearing apart a paper just to glue it again, and again, and again, and again, and again and againagainagainagainagainagainagainagainagain and again. There will eventually be a point where he can't stick together _again_, a point where he's used and wasted and is left for death. Awaiting the finishing blow that should have come sooner.

The blow that should have come sooner.

**It will be alright.**

_It will?_

**Yes.**

Ken finds solace in the voice's company, a first but it's not unwelcome. Those whispering inhumane sounds were keeping him at bay and alive, chaining him to this world's surface instead of just caving in to its darkness.

**It will be alright.**

_Really?_

**Yes.**

But when Yamori brings in familiar faces and threatens to hurt them instead, showing Ken his naïveté for trusting in him to keep a simple promise, Ken hears the chains rattling against his skin. It's itchy and suddenly tightening their hold around his wrists, like shouting out his incompetence and his place to be.

The ghoul asks him to choose one but he can't possibly do that. There was no right choice no matter in which angle you looked at, no choice that was better than the other.

_What should I do?_

**It will be alright.**

_Are you really sure?_

**Yes.**

And so Ken decides to put a splinter of trust in that surreal thing, watches with anxious eyes and rattling chains the quickly losing patience ghoul.

"So, who will you choose Kaneki?"

But Ken merely gulps down a lump and says nothing, waiting, hoping, praying for his saving grace to come. When Ken sees the thin line snapping in Yamori's posture, he can't help but to question again.

_It will be alright?_

**Yes.**

And it all happened far too quickly and simply that Ken could not comprehend in the slightest. It was like blowing away a match with a single breath, an ant dying by a man's unknowing steps.

When Ken feels a smudgy mud on his face and a far too familiar view but this time is not him who is held up in the air like a prize for the world to see but rather a woman, a ghoul, a mother, a _friend_... he wonders if everything will really be alright. It does not and the mother snaps like a straw and is dead, the child is speared through by a crimson tail, his eyes were full of pain and hurt and sadness and rage when Ken saw him for the last time and then nothing. No child should feel that way, he finally thinks.

Yamori says it is his fault and leaves (for now), but Ken does not pay attention because he knows.

He does not look up when the other ghoul comes and heals the mother and child and why not before but now and also leaves.

His heart is bursting against his ribs, he feels the familiar prick of the tears in his eyes like something heavy was weighing him down. His head is also heavy and unclear, his vision focusing and dilating and for an instance Ken forgets about pain. About the world. About his misery. About the voice and falls into darkness.

Before passing out he wishes for never waking up again, because at least like that, he wouldn't have to face anything again.

He will hurt nobody, and nobody will hurt him.

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.

.

Ken wakes to a field of white flowers and unreal sky. A comfortable chair in place of the nasty blood filled one and the chains felt slightly less threatening.

He does not hear the voice anymore, cannot sense the presence of it like he always did and is met instead with a humorous lavender gaze.

Like a nuclear bomb exploding somewhere inside of him and more specifically near his chest area, Ken believes to have felt all sort of emotions in one go. Rage, betrayal, sadness, confusion, _love_, everything happened in a split of second when he saw a face that he should have not missed as much as he did.

"Rize..." Spoken with more fondness and less rage that he would have liked, the lavender haired ghoul who should be supposedly dead smiles at him in a cold manner.

"Long time no see, Kaneki." Ken can see the ruthlessness hidden behind the frail appearance even in death.

A box full of surprises and strength and Ken wonders for a second if this was the 'alright' that the voice was telling him.

When he wakes up again he returns to the room he was in, the huge room with too much wasted space or perhaps it also made part for the torturing purpose. He doesn't know. The man coming towards him does and for once, the pain turns bearable.

He goes back to the field of white flowers and Rize is there again. She mocks him and questions his reason for existing.

Ken laughs and for the first time mentions the voice to another. He says that the voice was his 'reason' and with it gone he's only someone without a right conscience, as if he was stripped off of all his opinions and beliefs and thinking when the voice disappeared.

Rize also laughs, and says it's laughable.

Ken closes his eyes in reminiscing and says that it really was laughable.

This time Yamori puts a centipede inside his ear.

Ken yells out in fear and disgust, screams when he felt the thing crawl inside of his ear and deeper and deeper down. Perceives the tapping of the legs, the itching of the antennas, the brushing of its mouth and the twisting of the body segments in a far too clear way. It occasionally hurts and itches most of the times, eventually causing him to laugh uncontrollably and tears to stream down from his widened and stressed eyes.

The sounds of the legs somehow felt like a clock, the moment that it would stop being the moment that Ken would finally find the destination of this lonesome road of his.

Ken sees Rize again and she scoffs at him.

This new side of her that he had never seen before, ruthless, bold and shameless is refreshingly twisted.

What Ken found to be amazing, was the fact that his feelings have been unchanged even after all this time. Ken had liked many in his life, and despite the number of unsuccessful relationships, he had seriously loved every last of them. Rize was no exception. No matter how foolish it sounded or impossible it seemed to be, Ken had really believed that Rise was the one for him. He didn't expect those feelings to remain even after all this ordeal, no matter how little or scarce they were and yet they were still there. With the voice gone, those emotions are the only something from the previous him before this, and who cares if they were the main reason for all this - because maybe he would have kept going on his normal life if he had not spotted Rize holding that particular book that day in a way that would have put New York's infamous statue in shame. Ken can't and cannot not treasure them.

And he's trying oh so desperately to cling onto that thin line of minimal sanity and humanity he has left, wishing for not the first time, for them to stay there right next to him.

.

.

.

Rize tells him to accept her.

Yamori kills him again.

Rize says he will lose more important people if he stays like this.

Yamori decides to skin him.

Rize tells him that they are probably coming here to save him and it's all because of his own weakness.

Yamori brings in another couple of people he knows and that Yamori _promised _to free-

Rize tells him to accept her again.

Yamori raises his kagune-

Ken sees the terror in those submissive eyes.

Yamori stabs one and tosses him aside like trash-

Ken cries and begs for it to stop, begs for mercy and his death instead of the other's, cries like a new born baby coming face to face for the first time with the world.

Rize tells him to accept her.

Yamori goes towards the other ghoul who is trembling and cowering and crying and defeated-

Ken feels the chains breaking one by one by each deep breath he takes, blames himself for not noticing it before and realizes the ugliness of this godforsaken twisted world.

He feels the absence of the voice like a swimmer missing her or his googles. He can't see anymore but it does not hinder him.

Yamori raises the crimson kagune again and is grinning-

_Ugly._

Ken realizes and knows it now. Since the beginning and the very beginning, before encountering Rise and right after his birth-

Rize laughs.

-there has never been such thing as right.

_Ugly._

-only strong and weak.

_Ugly_

-the strong win while the weak lose.

Rize is laughing hard and Yamori shudders slightly.

-the strong devour while the weak is devoured.

Ken feels the absence of the voice like a man missing his conscience. Like a ghoul missing his hunger.

_Snap_

And he's okay with it.

.

.

.

Ken locks eyes with Touka and everything is changed.

Mr Yomo had that haunting look when he set eyes on him, Banjou looked like he saw a ghost when he spoke to him, everything just changed. Ken doesn't know if it is right or wrong simply because they don't exist and are nothing concrete, but does know that this is for the best and he hopes that Touka and Hide and Mr Yomo and manager will understand. Because everything he's doing is for them. He decided to devote his life in protecting them- it didn't matter if he was still far too weak. He would get stronger.

Ken feels the voice's absence like a man missing his conscience. Like a ghoul missing his hunger.

He feels light and unchained, feels freer and _stronger. _Like being removed of a limiter set by his own mind, a sudden surge of power whereas the origin didn't matter.

If it was another's power he was borrowing, then good. If it was his own, then better.

.

.

.

"Who is that?" Ken asks through a hushed breath, referring to the woman-_beast _in front of him. Even locked and restricted by chains he could feel it clearly in his veins and the intensity of that great instinct of survival.

"It's Rize." It's not. It can't be.

The _beast_, fake Rize growls in response. With saliva dripping down from her wide stretched pale lips and thin complexion, Ken shudders and gulps down a lump.

It looked like Rize.

"No. Rize is not like that." Is not primal like that. Was cunning, manipulative and sadistic. Not... _that. _Especially not that.

"She's hungry. She can't recognize you right now, Ken." Even so he comes closer, stops when Riz-fake Rize starts to squirm from the hold stronger and more desperate. Those glowing eyes full of hunger were something he was familiar with, but it lacked recognition.

"No... No, nononononononononono-NO!" He screams out and grabs his hair. He talks to Rize inside his head. He talks to her occasionally in a not physical way and... and...

And what exactly?

"Rize it's me... Please, no... It's Ken. Kaneki Ken. The human you tried to eat and the reason you ended like this. No, please Rize. Don't do this to me. Don't you dare do this to me!" Ken feels his eyes watering and the fear and confusion welling up in his gut. He talked to Rize three weeks ago. She mocked him and his choice of books. Questioned his existence and laughed right at his face.

"Nononononono. No. Rize. Don't! No please. _God_ please, somebody help me. Somebody- Rize, nononononono you're not Rize. You're not. _FUCK!_" If the woman- ghoul- fake Rize- beast- real Rize in front of him is _Rize_, then who is the one he's been talking to? Who is the Rize who he devoured and got strength from and-

"Ken."

-and the one who was ruthless and bossy and-

"Ken."

"SHUT UP!" Ken curls up in a ball and grabs his face and hair and pulls his head.

It's painful. It's painful.

When Mr Yomo puts a hand on his shoulder, he slaps it away and crawls back a few steps back. Away from Mr Yomo. Away from Rize.

"Just shut up already." Ken murmurs out right at the final of his inner outburst.

If the Rize in his head is not the real one, then who has he been talking to? A fragment of his goddamn twisted imagination? The distance he feels binding him to the world is longer now, the connection he feels to his family is almost at the foreign stage. It was like ripping his existence apart, after all that he went through and just tossing him to the dust bin. If Rize wasn't with him the whole time, if the voice wasn't with him the whole time... then just who was and is with him?

"I saw you fighting Ken. That strength is not from Kanou or Rize or because of your ghoul side. It's from you, and you alone."

Ken feels the absence of the voice like man missing his conscience. Like a ghoul missing his hunger.

"Go talk to manager. I think he's waiting for you."

And he's okay with it.

.

.

.

"Come back to Anteiku, Kaneki." After their life sharing story, Ken looks at manager with compassionate empty eyes. His objective in actually following Mr Yomo's advice and coming here remains unclear, but Ken feels his metal chains getting rusty, old and worn out by each passing night.

"Not only for those who miss you, but also for yourself." It scarcely grabs his attention, making Ken turn away from the crowding streets to the old and wise face of his once savior. The face while gentle and aged, Ken feels the power and hidden monster beneath it, wondering if his experience had managed to get him this far.

"Will I find my answers here?" He sees the concealed flinch behind that collected gaze. Ken does not blame manager. He, himself is surprised by how bland and blank his voice sounded. He just hasn't got the will to bother with it anymore.

He was just like a broken doll in a second hand store trying to find its place again. Hoping for a home and a person to need him, but it was too late to realize it now.

All he could do was to continue his road down that lonely path, breaking and losing with each step, until the final moment he would fall.

Ken is unfortunate. Not stupid.

By each step it comes more and more obvious to him.

The way he will fall and when exactly he would do so.

It's near. Incredibly near.

And he's okay with it in a way a terminal patient would be after receiving his death notice.

.

.

.

Ken disbands the group he formed and apologizes for his selfishness.

Maybe he just wanted to spend his final moments in peace, surrounded by his family and home. Maybe that's why he decided to trace back some steps in his long road quickly coming to an end.

Everything Ken will do is for them. All the way to the end he will protect them at his best ability.

Matters like Kanou and Rize didn't matter anymore. Matters like eating and sleeping didn't matter as much, only because he needs proper health to fight- not that he was at his top mental condition but it will have to do.

He lets Hinami braid his hair and put make up on him because he wants to please her, and it didn't matter if anyone recognized him in that state. He lets Tsukiyama coming closer than he really should because it didn't matter if he was bitten by the ghoul and had his flesh eaten in front of him. As long as he wasn't dead and could still heal, Ken didn't mind and also because Tsukiyama should be rewarded by his cooperation so far.

When Touka punched him it felt surprisingly nostalgic, and maybe God had been favoring him all this time and he was just a not yet accepted masochist.

Ken heads out in the middle of a refreshing night with slightly edgy steps.

He was nervous- it has been so long since he has been nervous. His insides are warming as he draws closer and heart speeding up in a constant manner.

And when he turns around a corner, past a bookstore and fast-food restaurant, where should stand a cozy and fairly average café with a nice atmosphere and violent but generous people-ghouls always too eager to offer him in how to brew a coffee properly and a place where many called home and was took with so much care that Ken doubted that it would accumulate dust or even scratches over ten-twenty-an infinity of years because it was simply that _precious_. But all Ken sees now is exactly that and more. Dust on the broken wood that was once a table, scratches on the once coffee machine that would have been unrecognizable if he didn't know _better_. If he hadn't called the café his home too with a slight blush on his cheeks, if he hadn't felt proudness flourishing inside of him whenever customers began to recognize him as that shy waiter with an unusual sense of fashion.

It hurts- he thinks.

_It hurts._

It hurts like a magician failing his first magic show.

It hurts like a castle made of sand being washed away by the tides.

It hurts like a child losing his mother, like a loner betraying his only friend, like a man finding fortune in being hurt, like a doll who was tampered with and broken, like that special someone not recognizing you, like losing your will, like knowing your end, like a fire being extinguished in the middle of darkness, like a man missing his conscience, like a ghoul missing his hunger, like a voice disappearing somewhere deep within him to be never found again.

Ken realizes with hurting eyes and familiar sorrow the end of something precious, something that he failed to protect, something that should be here.

And maybe, in actuality and it _hurts- _maybe he's not okay after all.

.

.

.

When Ken is hurt, he eats and heals.

When he's hungry he eats and is satisfied in a guilty way. That guilt with time turns into a must, a rule that could not be broken, a need for survival and a chance for living and it doesn't affect him as badly.

Ken is hurt and needs to heal, because manager is in danger and needs help.

Ken crawls inside the waters of the sewer, it's cold, dirty but refreshing and subdues his pain.

Quick. He needs to quickly find someone- _anyone_ to eat and heal and help manager.

Suddenly, like a new chain tightening itself around his foot, he stops and the water rises up to his waist and keeps rising. It is no longer refreshing and feels dark, cruel and twisted.

Looking down, Ken sees arms trying to crawl up with him as a support, sees Yamori and Rize with simpers on their lips, senses their bloodlust like him searching for a way to heal.

It was perfect. He just needs to eat them and it's so utterly perfect.

Ken takes a bite out of Yamori's cheek. It's nasty and tastes foul, but it will have to do because his wound needs more. Next, he takes a bite from Rize's ear. It's also foul and nasty. They actually taste quite alike, but Ken doesn't complain.

His wound still hurts and is not healing yet.

Yamori, Rize, Yamori, Rize- always in that sequence, but the wound is beginning to hurt more and more and Ken feels that familiar pain. Like being betrayed by Rize, like being tortured by Yamori.

In a snap he opens his eyes, they shake with the blurring vision and when he looks down there are holes. Things missing from his body, being flattened by gigantic iron tiles and being put a centipede into his ear.

His wound stops to hurt, and aches with the rest of the rest of his body.

All this time.

It wasn't him eating, but rather being eaten. None other but by himself.

_The strong devour, while the weak is devoured._

When Ken is devouring and being devoured at the same time he finds the undeniable inconsistency in his own words. The strong devour, while the weak is devoured.

He who just denies that reason because he's doing two and not only one, is the only one who does not fit there.

It's almost similar in a scary way, to how he had to walk alone the road that he was thrown into, to know the truth of this world's secret.

Ken slumps down defeated, if he continues to try and walk he breaks even more and never would he find peace, his family and home. He's right on the edge of the end, and he's all alone.

When he closes his eyes he sees Hide, finding him and accepting him in way that made his hope flare up one last time. Ken tries to not cling onto that illusion and desperately squirms his way out of that little delusion. He has accepted his defeat and the can't change destiny phase. Has done his best to live within both works and is now prepared for it all to end.

When Hide approaches and he looks real, kind, stronger and just like how his brother-friend-everything is, Ken does not feel the wrong happiness or sudden gratefulness. It's something far more primal and possessive.

Ken feels fear like a man fearing a man. Like a ghoul fearing a ghoul.

Hide is his, and his alone.

Outside his dear friend would get hurt, by humans and ghouls alike. Ken wants to protect Hide at the very least. Wants to _save _Hide at least from the never ending darkness of the world.

Since the only way into the abyss, was to fall right in the middle of it.

Hide wants him to fight one last time.

Ken doesn't hear him over the sound of how close he is going to do justice for once.

_Splash_

.

.

.

Ken sees the death in the middle of withering flowers, pillars of morning light shining upon those who came face to face with it and a strange beautiful atmosphere hanging like a requiem. Ken thought to have already accepted it. The death- he means.

He thought that death would come as a mercy upon his misfortune, an angel that would guide him to whatever place that was not here.

The man standing in a bizarre graceful way in the middle of whitening flowers and unmoving corpses, looked far too imperfect to be God. Looked like a ghoul but was a human. Ken is truthfully scared because that man may be the only one besides him able to understand this world without falling back a step, is scary and terrifying because he could have ended like that. Like Death.

When Ken actually comes face to face with death is not actually a faceless being or monster he sees, but rather a cold gaze and a large shadow right behind.

Looking at all those broken and crimson bodies he puts himself for the first time in the perspective of all his victims (he doesn't do so earlier because he had to remain unwavering). And he knows with cold sweating hands and trembling fingers, by the lifeless corpses surrounding them and by the monotone approaching steps.

That he is next.

"So beautiful." The death whispers when he kills Ken.

.

.

.

Ken sees his mother overworking herself again and it's not as amazing as before. He feels a connection between them two and knows that it was not anything remotely pretty.

Even so Ken begs his mother to pay attention to him, to care for him more than others. Mother does not and continues on working, but Ken doesn't mind because he loves her too much. In the end, he puts a thin blanket around her slouched shoulders.

When he passes by the park where he shared with Hide his story, Ken sees 'himself' playing by the sandbox.

'He's' definitely lonely but not sad yet, because mother was still there and he was okay with that much.

Ken plays with 'himself' one last time before heading back home hand to hand.

The 'him' he's holding is little and fragile and weak and innocent and naïve. And yet Ken would give up everything just to go back to that time when he was little and fragile and weak and innocent and naïve. Would give up on his family and home and strength and everything. Because at that time, happiness was right next to him in the form of late nights with telling stories from a picture book, in the form of sharing a popsicle in the middle of a busy summer day, in the form of stupid laughs at Ken's own clumsiness.

He apologizes and grips 'himself' with big hands and black nails, whispers those two words like a mantra over and over again for every single thing he has done until now.

_"I'm sorry"_

When he feels his own hands but warmer and softer embracing his head and pulling him closer for a solace, Ken feels the world stop and just accepts that kind gesture with crying eyes. 'Himself' thanks him for everything he has been doing, thanks him for existing and Ken wants to cry so much. Wants to be spoiled by those arms holding him and caressing his head.

So when 'himself' tells him to rest, Ken isn't stupid.

It meant to let go of everything and to march towards the end of that road.

It meant to accept the fearsome death and to let go of his chains and the world with ghouls and humans, Hide, Touka, Mr Yomo, manager and everyone.

Ken accepts it by gently closing his eyes.

**Ken.**

...

**Ken.**

_Is that you?_

**Ken.**

_Who are you exactly?_

**Ken.**

_Where have you been?_

**Ken.**

_I've missed you._

**I'm sorry Ken.**

_It's alright._

**I'm sorry Ken.**

_I said that it was fine, geez._

**Ken.**

_Hm?_

**My name is Kaneki.**

_My name is Ken._

**Nice to meet you, Ken.**

_Nice to meet you, Kaneki._

**How are you, Ken?**

_I'm okay- Kaneki._

_._

_._

_._

* * *

><p><strong><strong>Disclaimer: I don't own Tokyo Ghoul nor the Shakespeare quote.<strong>**

**Thanks for reading.**


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